Oh baby it's cold outside...

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I'm popeye the sailor man...

Papped...

So you go to school every week dressed in cool little jeans and tshirts and generally look fab but the week you're forced to wear a pumpkin outfit you get papped and end up in the paper. And the less said about being grabbed in your nether regions the better....

Stuff...

Firing on all cylinders.

The results of my EEG finally came back yesterday – the shower cap thing that measures my brain electrical pulses- and excellent news its all normal. Now in medical speak ‘normal’ is absolutely fine although you do kind of want Excellent/amazing/more electrical pulses than anyone I’ve ever seen – but no you get ‘normal’ which is similar to ‘appropriate’ which is also good and widely used – ‘yes his arms are appropriate – meaning I have two and they seem to work. Anyway to clear any confusion nice Mr consultant wrote ‘this is good news’ just to make sure….

Spin me right round

Yeh so D’s big spinning ladybird arrived yesterday which he promptly plonked me on. My head fell forward, my arms and legs weren’t long enough to touch the floor and I could hardly breathe. Brilliant. Well done. Fortunately I was picked up off it fairly promptly and it went back in the box. I think I may well be seeing that again though at some point…..

Bottles suck. Spoons rock.

Big day yesterday. I had porridge. Nuff said.

That’s it…oooo yeh that feels good…..

So my thai masseur arrived yesterday to butter me up and give me a good rub dowm…. And then I woke up and the lovely A from school had actually arrived to show M how to do baby massage, oh yeh…. Vague problem was I did actually fall asleep again and although M tried to wake me up by prodding me A is all holistic and such like so insisted that if I was asleep its better to leave me. Next time. Wake me up otherwise I’ll be off to chariots for a steam…

Bugs.

D’s other brilliant purchase was stripy socks with huge bugs attached to them and wrist bands with…guess what – bugs on them. They are quite cool I must say although I did freak out a bit as they rattle when I wave my arms around. Eventually though they just seemed quite heavy and got a bit annoying. So I threw up on one of them. Simple.

Dummy’s suck. Thumbs rock.

I’ve been eating my fingers for a few weeks now. (Yes you’re right they don’t feed me enough) but in another first yesterday I discovered that if I stick my thumb in my mouth and then curl my other fingers round my nose, 1. Its quite comfortable and 2. Everyone goes ‘ooooo’ and ‘ahhhh’ Although they do that when I fill my pants as well….just a slightly different tone.

DANGER!

Bored with staring at the same bit of ceiling in my room I’ve been moving slowly up my cot to see if there’s anything more interesting further up. There isn’t. But to avoid me strangling myself on my monitor D decided to drill holes in the wall and put it on its wall mount. He then realized it was a bit too high (measure twice drill once….) and that the wire shows 3 inches down the wall before going behind my cot. The wire is white. The wall is green – well ‘olive’ to be true to Farrow and Balls colour chart – apparently it only last two years – “mugs all of you” (quote there from paint salesman – that’s nice sir can I just buy the f***ing paint)….Anyway  this simply won’t do. Aesthetics darling. It is to be moved lower. How long the two holes in the wall will be there is hard to tell……

a new picture

it really does seem a lifetime ago that the previous picture of me under the UV light with tubes coming out of all places etc was taken and although it was sort of a reminder just how far i've come from those days i think its about time to have a new pic. So heres me looking all retro polaroid stylie chillin in my bouncer. Peace out xxx

3 things i've done this week...

And stretch. And hold. And release. I went to the physio  the other day who turned out to be a bit of a honey (quite unlike the one D got when he had a bad neck recently. Imagine Big Daddy in a leotard and you’re somewhere close) anyway I digress yes so she was quite hot so I pulled her top down. Now I fully understand that that sort of behaviour is on a limited time period and really only babies can get away with it…..yeh right tell that to the judge in 20 years after a night on the White lightening…..

Erm….so yes she said she was very pleased (not with the top pulling) with my masculine physique although I do have slightly weak shoulders which I have to build up so D has invested in a spinning machine where I lie face down on what looks sort of like a ladybird and spin myself in circles until I projectile vomit onto the rug. Excellent.

M went to see L & G the other day. As the lovely L has a load of horses they went down to show them to me. I’ve never seen a horse before so was very excited. We got there and it smelt rotten so that wasn’t that pleasant but anyway horses horses horses…M stopped the car. Got out. I peered out of the window at the lovely horses. But wait. Whats this? M is walking away from the car. M is at the horses with L. L&M are laughing. With the horses. I am in the car. Without the horses. I decide to cry. And wail. And go bright red in the face. And tears roll down my cheeks…..Schmorses that’s what I say. D is  right. Horses are rubbish. Big grump.

To clearly make up for her potential social services visit M took me to the beach to see N and R. It was very very cold so I wore my space suit. Its still too big. They say I’ll grow into it…I could fit the physio in here with me. Anyway the beach was lovely . Gonna get me a boat and be a sailor boy…..ahem, international yachtsman with loads of hot Swedish chicks on board in bikinis. Yes that sounds better.

fat club

I went down to the local health centre the other day for my big match weigh in. My god there are some ugly babies. Anyway there I sat waiting my turn while the harrys, jacks, mollys and malones all queued up to be stripped naked and plonked on the scales. Frankly I find it all quite humiliating. Just cos I’m 6 months old doesn’t mean I should be carried around a public place with my nuts hanging out – oh yes forgot that one – cakes/presents/candles etc will be gratefully accepted – although obviously I am really ‘my adjusted age’ so that’s 3 months and you don’t generally get presents for that do you..…….erm anyway so yes I am 12lb 5. Hurrah for me and my big butt. They measured my head as well which they are meant to every month unfortunately the slightly idiot woman hadn’t written down the last 2 months in my little red book so had to go and wander off to find the last time the neuro guy measured and heres the rub. We can send a man to the moon – or can we – but we still haven’t managed to be able to measure a head with anything more than a tape measure vaguely put in the same position so what you get is a vague idea of whether its grown proportionally or not and that’s not really any good as the point at which we worry is whether its got bigger than it should. But we don’t really know. And that in itself is pointless.

In other developing and developmental news I am now actually laughing…..i have smiled quite a lot over the last few months but now I have decided that M&D are actually quite funny sometimes And now like Pringles once I popped…I just can’t stop… although D’s monkey impression does help things along….such a tit.

oooo thats gotta hurt...

arc lamp you look so pretty
arc lamp you shine your beautiful light
arc lamp is low over sofa
i lie under arc lamp
i look at its beauty
I get coat on under arc lamp
I fly into air under arc lamp
My Mum smashes her head into arc lamp
Arc lamp smashes into pieces
Arc lamp falls on my head
Arc lamp cuts my head
I scream
I cry
i bleed
Evil arc lamp
You do not look so beautiful now

Keepin my hair dry

Theres a scene in Frankenstein where ‘Frank’ is hooked up to all these wires on his head and ‘Stein’ is fiddling with all these flashing lights and pressing buttons reading his brain waves….well it ain’t no horror movie. So last week I went for my EEG scan (Electroencephalography) so see if all my waves were firing on all cylinders. It essentially consists of what looks like a big shower cap with about 60 electrodes sticking through it which they then attached to my head which in turn is attached to a polygraph style machine which spews out a scribbly line – ‘I didn’t hurt her….i didn’t hurt her…..’ (obscure league of gentlemen quote there for you) They have to measure me at rest, asleep and active which was lucky cos that’s pretty much what my day consists of. Mainly sleep granted, but since I started jogging I’m actually rather awake quite a lot of the time too….Anyway back to the wired up shower cap – and I would just like to say at this point – have you ever seen anyone look good in a shower cap? No neither have I. I looked like a right nob. But the reason I was actually going through this humiliation was because I had a habit of staring down a bit more than just trying to see what shoes I was wearing. Now this on its own could well be a condition of prematurity – the eyes develop the most in the last 10 weeks of chillin out – obviously I didn’t get to do that much so therefore my eyes will take a little time to warm up so to speak. But the other thing that could cause this ‘sunsetting’ is a particularly nasty thing called hydrocephalus which can be caused by the CSF – central spinal fluid to the layman – not draining out of the ventricles in the brain and creating a pressure that turns the eyes down (plus other significant issues) and because I had my IVH (intra ventricular haemomorage) when I was born (ooo its just like the old days this with all these medical references) the docs felt they had to check it out and I suppose tick off what it might or might not be.  In the good of US of A we would call this EI (early intervention) but here we call it…erm…yeh maybe he should have  a scan…anyway to cut what has turned into quite a long story which was meant to be an amusing anecdote about shower caps…..the result was….drum roll please……. I do have a brain!! Hurrah. And actually it’s a rather lovely one too with ‘good symmetry’ and something else good which I can’t quite remember right now - although that is only the opinion of the gal who did the test so we have to wait till she looks at her books and checks back with the neurologist before we get the all clear….

But in a latest breaking news stylee…since the scan I have decided there is so much more to look at than my shoes so am looking far more up and around and straight ahead. Occasionaly I stare at my shoes….but that’s just to mess with M&D’s heads…..hahahah suckers!!

cough cough splutter splutter

 The evil wintery wet weather and blowy winds are upon us and so are the demented old crones who lean in at me in my maxicosi ™ car seat with their knarled old teeth and breath of a thousand years and go, ‘oooooooo look at him, he’s a bonny wee thing isn’t he..” To be fair it wasn’t a mass or a herd maybe of knarled old crones advancing upon me but just one but frankly that’s enough in my book. Anyway the long and short and tall of it and well yes it may seem churlish to blame one person BUT why not eh….the upshot is I’ve got a right old cough. Poor me. Yes poor me. The reason people are drowned in anti-bacterial goop at hospital and the reason why there is a pot/tub/bottle/jar/pump action vessel ion virtually every available nook and cranny in my house is because I am apparently very susceptible to nasty little germs advancing on my under-developed lung system so random cronage jabbing their unclean unclean unclean fingers at me and rubbing my face (do strangers rub your face? No thought not) aren’t the best practice for keeping me germ free. So off I toddle (well not quite) off to the docs yesterday to get checked out. Nice doctor man although quite intent on stripping me down to my leisure pants (I thought I was staying in ok) looked in all the relevant crevices and declared my chest was ok, although he did have quite a lot of hair in his ears so not sure if any sound was possible, but I had a red throat thus creating the hacking cough of a 50 a day lambert and butler man. Nice. Anyway the upshot (used twice you will notice in one post0 is M&D have to keep a close beady eye on me incase it gets worse. And oh surprise surprise it has. So I’m off again this morning to the young doctor with the clean ears. Hopefully he’ll give me some benelyin or something and not like my mate George whos bad chest ended up with them giving him a puffin. Why the docs gave him a random sea fish/mammal god only knows…oh my mistake – a puffer – to help him breathe….

Anyway the moral and upshot (word of the day apparently) is clean your ruddy hands with antibacterial gels, have three showers in it and then drink a load of it if you are about to come within 10 feet of me. Oh and don’t look me in the eye. Am such a diva…..

Back by popular demand...

A picture is worth a thousand words. Although apparently a thousand words are more preferable than a picture. So i have hauled my secretary out of semi-retirement, dusted off his keyboard and given him a sharp poke in the eye and told him to get on with it. But not now as he has apparently buggered off to a meeting.... check back soon for exciting posts such as 'dressing up as a pumpkin -  a good thing or very very bad', 'dream feeds - but i'm awake you idiot', 'why does nobody cut my nails', 'when i push the ball away its because i don't like it so don't clap and bring it straight back', 'milk....dull as ditchwater' and much much much more..... xx

yes i know i look like a t**