Alfie says.... short and sweet (ish)

So in an effort to be more concise for both you and my secretary who sits duly typing at the side of my incubator – get me a coffee you useless baffoon – this post will have a numerical theme in order, but in no particular order, to highlight the um highlights and the lowlights from the activities over the last few days..

Positives:

1.     1. They have taken me of cpap. Hurrah. Although after 5 days on it my nose looks like a cross between joe bugners and a raging bull. They say – oh they say a lot of stuff around here which at least half I don’t believe – anyway they say that with a little massage, perhaps from a little thai girl, it will return to normal. So in later life I’m known as Alfie the Bull you’ll know they, yes ‘they’ were lying.

2.  2.  My swelling has gone down. I now do not resemble jabba the hut as I did a few days ago. They’re still not sure why I turned into a balloon, although most heads nod towards the infection – oh his arms fallen off – that’ll be the infection….. hmmm anyway my ambulin levels – the ones that fell which meant my cells then filled with fluid instead of me ‘passing them’ have started to stabalise. They have also given me a diuretic for the past 2 days which basically means I spend the entire day peeing – which is a joy for all. A few days ago I gained 70g in 24 hours…apparently I’m meant to gain about 30g per week…hmm. But anyway I’ve lost weight yesterday and today so my slimfast diet seems to be working.

3.  3.   My head is growing at a normal rate. So we’re all very pleased about that as hopefully, touch warm humid plastic, that the ventricles in my brain aren’t swelling anymore so that ruddy doctor who dragged M&D into a room 2 weeks ago was wrong. HA! I defy medical science yet again. Grrrrr. And breaaaathe….

4.   4.  The scan on my lungs yesterday (is there any peace?) was much better than last week – that’ll be down to the infection – oh really – so I think that’s why I’m back on the lo-flo. Overnight nice nurse says I’ve had one bradi (not great) but shes turned the oxygen up and now I’m fast asleep and sats are solid…although still dictating – weird. I am however beginning to wonder about all this desat stuff – they (them again) say that the monitors are useless and you can’t go by the numbers but you have to look at the trace – which essentially means that when you have a nice ‘christmas tree line’ (wavy essentially) that means that the numbers are more accurate. I very rarely have a wavy line – the trace is all over the place – however on the few occasions I do my sats are up in the 90’s – which is where they should be. My question is – if you turn up the oxygen levels when I’m showing 70 but my trace isn’t great how do you not know that I’m actually at 100% and you’re just not saturating me with oxygen – which is not good and can actually be very bad. I don’t expect you, a layman to answer that – however mum has been tasked with that conundrum to ask the consultant today. No doubt they’ll blame it on the infection…

5.  

5. 5.  My stomach scan has apparently come back fine – although they still think it might be a bit big. Personally I think I’m full of wind which happened last time I was on the cpap for a while and then someone shoved something up my bum and after that it all seemed to disappear – although my greenhouse didn’t smell that great.


5.They have finally given me a bigger nest. The nest is supposed to recreate the womb – although am not sure how a few rolled up blankets and a big bean hand can replicate it that well, but anyway – I have outgrown my previous one and so they’ve given me a bigger one. I still however slide down to the bottom of it, stick my legs over the top and constantly try and rollover to lay on my face, thus setting off all the bongs….although might stop laying on my face so much as actually they’re not that quick in sorting me out here.

7. I have two new books. Both written about me – one where I go on a train, and the other…oh can’t remember the other one. Anyway its all pure fantasy as to be honest I’ve no idea what a train is never mind being on one and having loads of larfs and japes…

Negatives.

1.  1.   They’re still draining me of blood to test my gases every hour which I get rather crabby about.

2.   

2.   Dad has gone back to work so he can’t read the paper to me every morning. Although actually that maybe should have been in the positives as last week he was droning on about angela merkel and the euro. Yawn.

3.  

3.    I still can’t juggle.