Back to where it all began.

Today i went back to St.Marys. 

I thought it might feel a bit strange.

But it didn't.

I met the people who saved my life.

It was great.

They're great.

Nuff said. x

Dad takes me shopping. Idiot.

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I've got a new hat

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Rudolph's in my garden!

Breakfast

&

Oh baby it's cold outside...

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I'm popeye the sailor man...

Papped...

So you go to school every week dressed in cool little jeans and tshirts and generally look fab but the week you're forced to wear a pumpkin outfit you get papped and end up in the paper. And the less said about being grabbed in your nether regions the better....

Stuff...

Firing on all cylinders.

The results of my EEG finally came back yesterday – the shower cap thing that measures my brain electrical pulses- and excellent news its all normal. Now in medical speak ‘normal’ is absolutely fine although you do kind of want Excellent/amazing/more electrical pulses than anyone I’ve ever seen – but no you get ‘normal’ which is similar to ‘appropriate’ which is also good and widely used – ‘yes his arms are appropriate – meaning I have two and they seem to work. Anyway to clear any confusion nice Mr consultant wrote ‘this is good news’ just to make sure….

Spin me right round

Yeh so D’s big spinning ladybird arrived yesterday which he promptly plonked me on. My head fell forward, my arms and legs weren’t long enough to touch the floor and I could hardly breathe. Brilliant. Well done. Fortunately I was picked up off it fairly promptly and it went back in the box. I think I may well be seeing that again though at some point…..

Bottles suck. Spoons rock.

Big day yesterday. I had porridge. Nuff said.

That’s it…oooo yeh that feels good…..

So my thai masseur arrived yesterday to butter me up and give me a good rub dowm…. And then I woke up and the lovely A from school had actually arrived to show M how to do baby massage, oh yeh…. Vague problem was I did actually fall asleep again and although M tried to wake me up by prodding me A is all holistic and such like so insisted that if I was asleep its better to leave me. Next time. Wake me up otherwise I’ll be off to chariots for a steam…

Bugs.

D’s other brilliant purchase was stripy socks with huge bugs attached to them and wrist bands with…guess what – bugs on them. They are quite cool I must say although I did freak out a bit as they rattle when I wave my arms around. Eventually though they just seemed quite heavy and got a bit annoying. So I threw up on one of them. Simple.

Dummy’s suck. Thumbs rock.

I’ve been eating my fingers for a few weeks now. (Yes you’re right they don’t feed me enough) but in another first yesterday I discovered that if I stick my thumb in my mouth and then curl my other fingers round my nose, 1. Its quite comfortable and 2. Everyone goes ‘ooooo’ and ‘ahhhh’ Although they do that when I fill my pants as well….just a slightly different tone.

DANGER!

Bored with staring at the same bit of ceiling in my room I’ve been moving slowly up my cot to see if there’s anything more interesting further up. There isn’t. But to avoid me strangling myself on my monitor D decided to drill holes in the wall and put it on its wall mount. He then realized it was a bit too high (measure twice drill once….) and that the wire shows 3 inches down the wall before going behind my cot. The wire is white. The wall is green – well ‘olive’ to be true to Farrow and Balls colour chart – apparently it only last two years – “mugs all of you” (quote there from paint salesman – that’s nice sir can I just buy the f***ing paint)….Anyway  this simply won’t do. Aesthetics darling. It is to be moved lower. How long the two holes in the wall will be there is hard to tell……

a new picture

it really does seem a lifetime ago that the previous picture of me under the UV light with tubes coming out of all places etc was taken and although it was sort of a reminder just how far i've come from those days i think its about time to have a new pic. So heres me looking all retro polaroid stylie chillin in my bouncer. Peace out xxx

3 things i've done this week...

And stretch. And hold. And release. I went to the physio  the other day who turned out to be a bit of a honey (quite unlike the one D got when he had a bad neck recently. Imagine Big Daddy in a leotard and you’re somewhere close) anyway I digress yes so she was quite hot so I pulled her top down. Now I fully understand that that sort of behaviour is on a limited time period and really only babies can get away with it…..yeh right tell that to the judge in 20 years after a night on the White lightening…..

Erm….so yes she said she was very pleased (not with the top pulling) with my masculine physique although I do have slightly weak shoulders which I have to build up so D has invested in a spinning machine where I lie face down on what looks sort of like a ladybird and spin myself in circles until I projectile vomit onto the rug. Excellent.

M went to see L & G the other day. As the lovely L has a load of horses they went down to show them to me. I’ve never seen a horse before so was very excited. We got there and it smelt rotten so that wasn’t that pleasant but anyway horses horses horses…M stopped the car. Got out. I peered out of the window at the lovely horses. But wait. Whats this? M is walking away from the car. M is at the horses with L. L&M are laughing. With the horses. I am in the car. Without the horses. I decide to cry. And wail. And go bright red in the face. And tears roll down my cheeks…..Schmorses that’s what I say. D is  right. Horses are rubbish. Big grump.

To clearly make up for her potential social services visit M took me to the beach to see N and R. It was very very cold so I wore my space suit. Its still too big. They say I’ll grow into it…I could fit the physio in here with me. Anyway the beach was lovely . Gonna get me a boat and be a sailor boy…..ahem, international yachtsman with loads of hot Swedish chicks on board in bikinis. Yes that sounds better.

fat club

I went down to the local health centre the other day for my big match weigh in. My god there are some ugly babies. Anyway there I sat waiting my turn while the harrys, jacks, mollys and malones all queued up to be stripped naked and plonked on the scales. Frankly I find it all quite humiliating. Just cos I’m 6 months old doesn’t mean I should be carried around a public place with my nuts hanging out – oh yes forgot that one – cakes/presents/candles etc will be gratefully accepted – although obviously I am really ‘my adjusted age’ so that’s 3 months and you don’t generally get presents for that do you..…….erm anyway so yes I am 12lb 5. Hurrah for me and my big butt. They measured my head as well which they are meant to every month unfortunately the slightly idiot woman hadn’t written down the last 2 months in my little red book so had to go and wander off to find the last time the neuro guy measured and heres the rub. We can send a man to the moon – or can we – but we still haven’t managed to be able to measure a head with anything more than a tape measure vaguely put in the same position so what you get is a vague idea of whether its grown proportionally or not and that’s not really any good as the point at which we worry is whether its got bigger than it should. But we don’t really know. And that in itself is pointless.

In other developing and developmental news I am now actually laughing…..i have smiled quite a lot over the last few months but now I have decided that M&D are actually quite funny sometimes And now like Pringles once I popped…I just can’t stop… although D’s monkey impression does help things along….such a tit.

oooo thats gotta hurt...

arc lamp you look so pretty
arc lamp you shine your beautiful light
arc lamp is low over sofa
i lie under arc lamp
i look at its beauty
I get coat on under arc lamp
I fly into air under arc lamp
My Mum smashes her head into arc lamp
Arc lamp smashes into pieces
Arc lamp falls on my head
Arc lamp cuts my head
I scream
I cry
i bleed
Evil arc lamp
You do not look so beautiful now

Keepin my hair dry

Theres a scene in Frankenstein where ‘Frank’ is hooked up to all these wires on his head and ‘Stein’ is fiddling with all these flashing lights and pressing buttons reading his brain waves….well it ain’t no horror movie. So last week I went for my EEG scan (Electroencephalography) so see if all my waves were firing on all cylinders. It essentially consists of what looks like a big shower cap with about 60 electrodes sticking through it which they then attached to my head which in turn is attached to a polygraph style machine which spews out a scribbly line – ‘I didn’t hurt her….i didn’t hurt her…..’ (obscure league of gentlemen quote there for you) They have to measure me at rest, asleep and active which was lucky cos that’s pretty much what my day consists of. Mainly sleep granted, but since I started jogging I’m actually rather awake quite a lot of the time too….Anyway back to the wired up shower cap – and I would just like to say at this point – have you ever seen anyone look good in a shower cap? No neither have I. I looked like a right nob. But the reason I was actually going through this humiliation was because I had a habit of staring down a bit more than just trying to see what shoes I was wearing. Now this on its own could well be a condition of prematurity – the eyes develop the most in the last 10 weeks of chillin out – obviously I didn’t get to do that much so therefore my eyes will take a little time to warm up so to speak. But the other thing that could cause this ‘sunsetting’ is a particularly nasty thing called hydrocephalus which can be caused by the CSF – central spinal fluid to the layman – not draining out of the ventricles in the brain and creating a pressure that turns the eyes down (plus other significant issues) and because I had my IVH (intra ventricular haemomorage) when I was born (ooo its just like the old days this with all these medical references) the docs felt they had to check it out and I suppose tick off what it might or might not be.  In the good of US of A we would call this EI (early intervention) but here we call it…erm…yeh maybe he should have  a scan…anyway to cut what has turned into quite a long story which was meant to be an amusing anecdote about shower caps…..the result was….drum roll please……. I do have a brain!! Hurrah. And actually it’s a rather lovely one too with ‘good symmetry’ and something else good which I can’t quite remember right now - although that is only the opinion of the gal who did the test so we have to wait till she looks at her books and checks back with the neurologist before we get the all clear….

But in a latest breaking news stylee…since the scan I have decided there is so much more to look at than my shoes so am looking far more up and around and straight ahead. Occasionaly I stare at my shoes….but that’s just to mess with M&D’s heads…..hahahah suckers!!

cough cough splutter splutter

 The evil wintery wet weather and blowy winds are upon us and so are the demented old crones who lean in at me in my maxicosi ™ car seat with their knarled old teeth and breath of a thousand years and go, ‘oooooooo look at him, he’s a bonny wee thing isn’t he..” To be fair it wasn’t a mass or a herd maybe of knarled old crones advancing upon me but just one but frankly that’s enough in my book. Anyway the long and short and tall of it and well yes it may seem churlish to blame one person BUT why not eh….the upshot is I’ve got a right old cough. Poor me. Yes poor me. The reason people are drowned in anti-bacterial goop at hospital and the reason why there is a pot/tub/bottle/jar/pump action vessel ion virtually every available nook and cranny in my house is because I am apparently very susceptible to nasty little germs advancing on my under-developed lung system so random cronage jabbing their unclean unclean unclean fingers at me and rubbing my face (do strangers rub your face? No thought not) aren’t the best practice for keeping me germ free. So off I toddle (well not quite) off to the docs yesterday to get checked out. Nice doctor man although quite intent on stripping me down to my leisure pants (I thought I was staying in ok) looked in all the relevant crevices and declared my chest was ok, although he did have quite a lot of hair in his ears so not sure if any sound was possible, but I had a red throat thus creating the hacking cough of a 50 a day lambert and butler man. Nice. Anyway the upshot (used twice you will notice in one post0 is M&D have to keep a close beady eye on me incase it gets worse. And oh surprise surprise it has. So I’m off again this morning to the young doctor with the clean ears. Hopefully he’ll give me some benelyin or something and not like my mate George whos bad chest ended up with them giving him a puffin. Why the docs gave him a random sea fish/mammal god only knows…oh my mistake – a puffer – to help him breathe….

Anyway the moral and upshot (word of the day apparently) is clean your ruddy hands with antibacterial gels, have three showers in it and then drink a load of it if you are about to come within 10 feet of me. Oh and don’t look me in the eye. Am such a diva…..

Back by popular demand...

A picture is worth a thousand words. Although apparently a thousand words are more preferable than a picture. So i have hauled my secretary out of semi-retirement, dusted off his keyboard and given him a sharp poke in the eye and told him to get on with it. But not now as he has apparently buggered off to a meeting.... check back soon for exciting posts such as 'dressing up as a pumpkin -  a good thing or very very bad', 'dream feeds - but i'm awake you idiot', 'why does nobody cut my nails', 'when i push the ball away its because i don't like it so don't clap and bring it straight back', 'milk....dull as ditchwater' and much much much more..... xx

yes i know i look like a t**

8am. In the bouncer staring at hangy things

i now likey the water...

I am a spaceman!

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Staring Contest....

Oh dear dear dear

I am not wearing a dress...

No. Infact I am now big and strong enough to wear my grow bag. To the grow-bag virgins it basically keeps me warm when I'm laying in my cot.... Yes that's in my cot. No more poncy Moses basket for me. No I'm in my own room chillaxing with my bears. Sweet.


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8lb 8.....

What you lookin at willis?

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On my way to class

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first day at school

So today as the title suggests is my first day at school. Blimey that was quick. One minute i'm laying in an incubator the next i'm getting all nervous in my ill fitting shorts - you'll grow into them - and wondering whether they still do free milk or did john prescott abolish that? Hmm. So today i'm off to my first baby sensory class which according to the literature provides hundreds of sensory development activities that are great fun for parents and babies to share in the vital first year. The classes include fibre optic light shows, bubbles, bells, musical fun, baby signing, puppet shows, amazing light balls and so much more. Milk hopefully. And alot of it. If i do manage to wake up during any part of the light/puppet/balloon show i will also have the excellent opportunity to see M making a complete *** of herself as she claps and waves stuff about.....bless her.

And we're back...

apologies for the lack of posts but now we're back to normal again. Fingers crossed.....

so....today i went for my first clinical development assessment, where reasonably nicey doc asked lots of questions - and prodded me a bit....

things i passed on.

1. leg and arm movement all moving in the right direction
2. Head circumference
3. Weight.....7lb 8oz. OMG. Call the fat police....
4. Eat like a pig. hence above.
5. Reflexes good when she walloped me with a stick. bitch
6. Knawing of a hand - excellent

things of 'concern'

1. Apparently i look down a bit. This i put down to laying on my back for 3 months and trying to peer out of the cot. They think it may be - and i stress MAY - infact they're not really even saying may - but more like they'd like to rule it out - but anyway - my brain bleed from yesteryear can sometimes create the ventricles to be blocked which can then put pressure on the brain which can apparently cause the eyes to look down. I also look up and sideways and straight ahead - but they are airing on the side of caution so tomorrow i'm off for another brain scan. If thats inconclusive then i'll have an MRI. But i'm sure everything will be fine.
2. They're worried i clench my fists. I however only clench my fists when D is being very slow at feeding me and i want to give him a right hook. So therefore i am not too overly concerned by this either. But hey thats their job.
3. No other concerns.

So this is my assessment. I'm just fine thankyou.

service temporarily suspended

Todays my birthday.

Or at least it was meant to be.  M is meant to be huffing and puffing. D is meant to be running around and huffing and puffing. I am meant to be getting ready to leave my little cocoon. Today is meant to be my birthday. But its not. But thats ok. Because i am here and doing well. True its been a bit of a haul to get here. But here I am. And thats the main thing. But you know, yes, it wasn’t meant to be like this. I wasn’t really meant to be here. I wasn’t meant to go through all the things I had to. M&D weren’t meant to go through all they did.  But at the end of the day, sometimes, things are just meant to be.

Top ten things about being at home…

10. its not a hospital.

9. The only bongs I hear are my little monitor thing which tells me that its too hot in here. That’s what you get when you close all the windows so bugs don’t fly in. And close the doors so the cats don’t jump on me. And put 3 blankets on me cos you just never know do you….

8. Britney only appears on the TV and not as some fag smoking whore next to me.

7. I do actually get my medicines (well most of the time) rather than at the weekends in hospital where everyone forgot to give them to me and I screamed a lot as the burning milk came flying up my throat and the little white firemen with their hoses of calmy milky lovliness were nowhere in sight…. Gaviscon, dear. Gaviscon.

6. I get lovely visitors who I can smile at and not random death breath randoms randomly wandering past staring at me with their death breath and staring at me…DON’T LOOK AT THE BABY! And breathe….

5. I am gently rocked to sleep and read lovely bedtime stories rather than being dragged around HDU by a big breasted nurse. Although come to think about it…..

4. I don’t have to listen to baby Mozart on the CD every afternoon. Yes I know it has repetitive melodies which mean I can understand them and grow my brain. But OMG its dull. What about N-Dubz eh? Am so street….in a mainstream kind of way…

3. I am not stabbed, poked, rummaged with and flipped upside down every 3 hours. Although if you ever have to witness D trying to change my undercrackers you might not think that anymore….

2. When I rollover and bash my head against the side of the cot instead of it being plastic its all soft and white and whickery and soft. Although that does obviously create panic when I stuff my face into it…

1. I get to spend lots of time with M&D. Ahhh. Am such a soppy b*****d. xx

Nuff said

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in the blue corner....

5lb 12oz. I'm fat. I'm round. Please don't bounce me on the ground as it might hurt my head and my fontenella isn't formed yet and then social services will be called.....Sammy Lee, Sammy Lee...... Doesn't have quite the same ring to it does it....Ah well. M&D are clearly fat feeding me. Theres a Channel 4 documentary about that....

oh... you spotted the bow...

yeh well its ralph lauren so live with it....and its from Vegas. Am so international. Don't wear fur. Save the whale. Wear slightly gay white bows.

and the whole world smiles with you....

i will only sleep on Mies van der Rohe...

me still no likey the water...

apologies for being slack

in an effort to get my scribe to post something - he says hes a bit tired as apparently getting up through the night to feed me and change my pants is taking it out of him bless. Mum is fine as she is made of stronger stuff. Anyway yes where was i oh yes - he says hes going to post some new pics of me up and then write something a bit later....we may even have a top 10! xx

its monday......

yes its monday now..... wobble wobble patrick duffy's now towelling himself down....

So monday then. I must say nothing really happened of any great interest today. It was all routine, which is exactly what we all wanted to be honest. D went to starbucks which was nice. M&D had microwave curry which was not nice. D wanted a nice glass of red but wasn't allowed due to the 'rules' (are made to be broken man....) of the hospital. Apparently you can rub alcohol on your hands all day long but you can't have a nice barolo when you fancy it...

Lovely 'By eck hes grand i like it dirty' nursey fixed the air con with the aid of men in overalls so now i don't need to wrap up like an eskimo tonight or listen to D complain about it with his tiny baby blankets covering his ankles. A nice quiet night ahead of us then - apart from me screaming my head off for burgers every 4 hours obviously.....

re-re-wind....

wobble wobble the screen is all going fuzzy and patrick duffy is appearing in the shower....yes you're right - this is a flashback..... As my secretary has apparently been busy, pah thats what i say....or pa, maybe. anyway i digress, ok so imagine its Sunday night.....wobble wobble cue funny music.....

OMG its sunday and i'm still in LDU....but wait what is this? I have just spotted D dragging an enormous suitcase down the corridor and turning into room B - M&D must have come to stay for erm well about 3 weeks by the size of that suitcase. And woah hang on i'm on the move....well this is interesting - its like the luge just a lot slower and not as icy. So not really like the luge after all - more like being pushed slowly down a corridor in a plastic cot.... anyway here i am in a new room. Cool. er not so much cool as ruddy freezing. There seems to be icy blasts coming out of some flaps in the ceiling. D is standing on a chair sticking his fingers in them....thats only going to end in disaster me thinks.... So anyway get on with it.... ok so this is called 'rooming' in and its where M&D are given complete control over me (lord help us all) for 2 days - not 3 weeks then....

Well frankly it all went swimmingly especially as i have now gotten in to the routine where i get 'changed' and then have some lovely food and thats when i decide to stare off into the distance and let the 6.15 doncaster to kings cross out of the tunnel. No stopping. 12 coaches. Fast..... Nice. And then i have to get changed again where i go a bit bonkers as i'm now full and then barf a bit. Buts thats all the fun of rooming in. The beauty actually is the fact that there are some lovely nurses on tap just down the corridor to ask questions, so you have the slightly odd scenario of M&D wandering around the ward at 3am leaning over the counter asking things like 'can a baby burst with too much milk'. No need to worry about me then....

I'm ruddy well home I am....

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T minus 1 hour....

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Thwarted at the last hurdle...

They've only booked me in for another eye test tomorrow lunchtime and i was all ready to run outta here by 8am..... ah well whats another few hours....lets hope i can still see as that would be a real bugger....

Blood tests in....

am so strong and virile.....my Hb levels have literally SHOT UP erm... from 7.7 to 7.8pts....Ahem. Anyway this fairly turgid efforts has resulted in me not having to have a blood transfusion today. Hurrah. But it does mean i have to come back next week for another blood test to see if i've made it to 7.9!

One step closer

So there you go, look at me and everything going into my own room - and what a lovely room it is. There are some light blue curtains which make me look even more pale than i already am and a bed hiding under another bed which M&D had to pull out to sleep on last night. M was fine as she had the duvet. D moaned that he was cold as he was under the 'blowing like a hurricane' air conditioner and only had what looked like one of my blankets on him. Bless him the big girl. Anyway back to me. My first night went swimmingly really. After my 12.30 burger and chips it was going to be another 4 hours until i could have a kebab so i thought i'd test M&D by screaming the place down at 2am to see if after only 8 hours of really looking after me they would ruin 12 weeks of carefully managed feeding times and give in......OH YEH BABY! So pigling bland me had a kebab at 2am and then my plan backfired a bit as i was so full i slept all the way to 8.30. So my plan of generally screaming throughout the night went slightly awry. Ah well theres always tonight.....

Movin out of the little dude unit....

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in the words of Micky Bubbles...

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In LDU and Winnicott
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you M&D, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the posts that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My milk was cold and flat
And i deserve more than that

Another aeroplane (on a mobile above my head)
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside (my incubator)
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me (as you had been to a tropical country and wasn't allowed in)
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come (my god how long have i been here)
And gone away
In even LDU and HDU
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you M&D, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home


xxxxx

In the blue corner....

weighing in at 4lb 12.7oz.......its Alfie 'the wind machine' Saker-Rimmer.....

sha la la la ,,,,

When I was young
I never needed anyone (not actually true that but go with it..)
And making poo was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial my bongerphone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure (especialy when the port holes were left open)
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore


So the shouters and the screamers and the moaners and the worriers have all left. Gone. Far from here. All that is left from the original crew are George, Theo and me.... actually that was the original crew so sod the other late joiners.... Anyway its all change down at the Little Dude Unit - by this time next week this place (hopefully touch wood etc blah blah) will ring to a different tune as the LD posse word to yo muther crew, will all have gone home...... yes me included!!! OMG!

water....ugh!!!!

Me and my mum

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Baaaaaarf.

So – I desated after my 4 hourly feed at lunctime today – ‘hes telling us that he’s not tolerating them’…. And then I went very pale and barfed up. And then went a bit floppy. And then went a bit more pale. And then I made a strange sound in my pants. And then I fell asleep. And my stats went up to 97. And I went pink again. Am such a joy.

Big jugs

So I’m now on bottles and seem to be coping ok. I’m on 180mg per kg so that’s about half a bottle of stuff every 4 hours…. Oh yes forgot to mention that. I am now on 4 hourly feeds. Clever old stick that I am. This carefully managed decision was taken when I chewed on my hand after a feed the other night. Apparently chewing on ones hand is the international sign for ‘id like to move from 3 hourly to 4 hourly feeds please’ – so as I was duly given a load more milk and from now on have been on 4’s. ‘he told us he wanted to go on 4 hourly…..’ oh did i? hope I don’t accidently rub my head and stomach at the same time as we all know that’s the international symbol for ‘I’d like the largest suppository you have please….’ Oh heavens.

Who nose what’s going on….

After pointing out that my nose tube was coming out all afternoon by sticking my fingers in the loopy bit that was supposed to be stick to my face  I eventually pulled it out myself which if you’ve ever pulled a tube out that sits in your stomach out through your nose you’ll know its not the most comfortable of feelings so I went a bit mad and then they finally noticed and said ‘ohhhh hes telling us he wants to feed completely from the bottle’. ‘No I’m not - I’m 11 weeks old I have no idea what a tube is or a bottle for that matter, I pulled my nose tube out because when I fling my arms around my fingers get caught in the loopy bit and then I grab stuff and pull on it, although I am quietly pleased that you feel I am making considered decisions about my feeding requirements at such an early age bless you –I am not!

Oh blimey I've got hiccups...

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you talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. You talkin' to me? Good because i can hear you loud and clear after passing my hearing test with flying colours. So i do have ears. And they work....

Bugs schmugs..

So since Sunday I’ve been feeling a little under the weather again. The closer you are to the door the harder it seems it is to get through it. I’m still breathing on my own my but I’ve been having more desats and generally look like I’m about to burst when I go bright red, my face goes all wrinkly and my body writhes in what can only be described as agony. This has been going on for a bit too long for them to keep saying ‘oh its erm…normal that’….’his foots fallen off? Oh that’s erm normal that is…’ Hmm anyway ‘Godden the great appeared on Monday and said ‘oh yes bahhhh we’ll bahhh do the little chaps bloods a day early to see what hes up to. Now ‘bloods’ are drained from me every Tuesday and check for all things from hemaglobin levels to infection markers to um… well all sorts of other things as well. Anyway well this threw the cat amongst the proverbial pigeons as that was most irregular – a day early – how will they cope? Well surprisingly it all went a bit tits up. So they did take the blood on Monday and then it came back mon night saying my hemoglobin had dropped – uh oh whats that  coming over the hill? is it a transfusion… and my infection markers were on the borderline of being bunged full of antibiotics again. Bugger. So as they were so close the Doc said we should repeat them on Tuesday yet when doc manana manana came on he just waived the request with a Mediterranean hand saying that there was no request in the notes so ‘no I am nota de doinga de bloodsa.’ Hmm. So then yesterday I went blue a few times and desated quite a lot again and went bright red and felt like poo. So after lots of lobbying by Mum to the nurses they said they’d bleep the doc and see if they could get more bloods done as yes ‘I wasn’t right, and maybe I should be on antibiotics….’ Yes love I ruddy should be if I’ve got an infection – do you not remember the last time when I was soooooo ill. No? Anyway to cut a quite a long story already a little bit shorter…. The latest update is…..

D rings up last night goes something like this…

Special care baby unit nurse blah blah blah

Hello its martin

Oh hello blah de blah

Oh yes yada yada yada

Anyway hows he doing have his bloods been done?

Oh yes his hb levels are the same and the crp (infection) markers are down so nothing to worry about

Oh right that was quick

Erm yes…well thing is they were actually done in the morning by the night doc but he didn’t tell anyone…..

So we’ve spent all day trying to get them done worried he had an infection or might need a blood transfusion and you lovely nurse has also been thinking that yes they should be done as you’ve seen him get worse and unbeknown to all of us they were already done??

Erm yes.

Right…… so whats causing all the pain and desats?

Erm… his new milk maybe….

Right.

And you wonder why M&D look a bit tense now and then. I was never worried myself and did an enormous poo to celebrate which to be honest seemed to do the trick and sort me right out. And in other not as dull as that long winded quite boring post is the fact that I am now up to 3 whole bottles a day. I love em. None of this shove it down my nose nonsense for me I like to suck the teat man. Oh yeh  diggity…

lovin the shoos

My memory is fading

As my secretary/slave – whatever you want to call him -  has been so useless at updating over the weekend I’m going to have to do this in reverse order so to speak as frankly I can’t really remember much. Anyway – news this morning is that I’m now 2.03Kg or 4lb 7oz and seem a lot calmer than yesterday. And talking of yesterday – it was my first wobble in quite a few days really so obviously put M&D on edge a bit as they and I thought we were all over that. I actually think it was down to a mechanical problem with the ‘train’ which had been stuck in the tunnel all night due to signaling problems. Engineering only got it back on track at around 6pm after me spending all day to push it out like geoff capes used to do – or was it alan jacks? Anyway because of this issue my sats were a bit all over the place, my heart rate was bonging high and I did occasionally look a bit grey. Pink good. Grey bad. So not great, nursey didn’t really think there was a problem as she was too busy eating doughnuts ….until she did actually look at me and then started talking about more blood transfusions which isn’t great – although godden the great (mr consultant) man will probably just tell me to pull myself together and have a stiff upper lip and I’ll be fine – he was the one that pumped my full of antibiotics when I had sepsis so we like him. In a brief interlude to the general crabbiness of yesterday M&D went and bought my car seat. Which readers will remember a reference to very early on. So I say to you weird smiling freak doctor from St. Marys – HA!

On Saturday it was a bit calmer really although when M&D arrived I looked like I’d been dropped into my cot from a great height and then blankets had been generally thrown in  my direction, there were 3 bits of random tissue in a ball by my face, my lovely gel pillow was by my ankles and my natty outfit with clouds on it had odd blobs on it. Ruddy bank nurses. Poor me I was getting flashbacks to Britney…. Ah I wonder how she is? Probably knocked up already bless her….

4lb 5.1oz

oh thats gotta hurt

so today i had 2 jabs - count em - 2 jabs in my butt. well in my leg actually but butt sounded better. anyway they're for erm... stuff so i needed them apparently. On stand by was parrotsatethemall and kalpol just incase i had a funny reaction - but as is my way i let out a little yelp - or more the sound of a goat being branded - yes i have begun to 'cry' but only sound like a goat at the moment - and then after that i fell asleep as they had given me a load of sucrose which in most cases would give you a sugar rush but i decided that sleep was the best medicine so dozed off with sats around 97%. obviously everyone was amazed at me again as the other one down there who looks like Homer cried his ass off for about an hour after he had the same jabs. Such a big girl.

in other exciting breaking news etc i have had 19ml from a bottle today! hurrah. This is very important as so far i have been fed through a tube which is now up my nose rather than in my mouth. In one way its nice to have a free mouth at last but it does tickle my nose quite alot so i sneeze constantly and frown. But back to the bottle - normally it takes 2 or 3 days from the first bottle attempt to get preemies to start swallowing but again like a medical marvel that i am i was fine and sucked that bad boy down. Obviously after all that i was knackered so fell asleep again.

my new outfit was ruined today after some douchebag dropped a load of milk on it - well not ruined but it certainly made me look a bit of a mess until mum all on her own changed me into some new gear so i looked cool again. Where are my converse thats what i say....

lets get physical

so had the physio round the other day, yeh oh my backs playing up a bit after the game. Anyway inga got going with her special techniques and swedish massage oil and half an hour later she declared me fit and well. I then threw up which sort of spoiled the moment.

Keep your gold stars for good behaviour Doctor do-not-so-much, what about popularity eh? where's my star for that?? Thank you all for your continued support. Big love to you all. Alfie xxx

just chillin with me mum...

Help for Heroes

On the right over there...yes over that way you'll see a little link to the Help for Heroes website who my uncle is running the Athens marathon in aid of. he's off to Afghanistan for 2 months in a few weeks  where he'll be working in Camp Bastion as a medic so if you want to support him and our boys and girls over there then follow the link and push a little wonger his way. All donations will go to improving the lives of the men and women who have been injured in iraq and Afghanistan. I was going to run the marathon as well but have decided that my little legs might just slow him up. Maybe next year....

top five....

5. i've been moved to LDU the little dude unit - low dependency as they like to call it. Like everything it was a bit of a pallaver. M&D were told at 11pm on sunday night  that i was to move as they had a new 'fat one' (35 weeker) coming in. They then tried to make out they would have moved me anyway and the lack of space was purely coincidental - yeh right - 'do you know i think we should move alfie next door....oh whats this a new fat one coming in to HDU - oh that was good timing...' hmmm anyway Dad came to see me at 7am yesterday to make sure they hadn't put me by the bins and they still went on about its not the space we would have moved him....so he gave them all wee eye and they eventually shut up and agreed it was because of the fat one arriving....

4. I am now classed as special care. My bonger is set to low and whistles and sounds like its on its last legs...clearly the funding stopped at the HDU.

3. I am the only one on the whole unit breathing on my own all the other lazy buggers have still got oxygen. That is so yesterday...At the weigh in i am now officially a chunker. 4lb 0.3oz. Although the competitive mum syndrome hits again with my new neighbours mother announcing that he was 4lb 8oz. Well done fella, however in a few weeks we shall be the same weight but you will still look like a monkey..

2. I have been moved up to two hourly feeds - something that has freaked me out in the past as i can't handle it all and reflux like mad, go bright red and then have a bradi. So understanably Mum's a bit worried. But worry not mother i am now made of stronger stuff. Dr do very little says if i tolerate it all ok i'll be on 3 hourly by the weekend. Bring it on i say.

1. They have started hinting and winking that as i am such a star and if i continue to improve i may be allowed home sooner than later..... I'm now 35 weeks and they generally keep you up to term which in itself is only another 5 weeks away. I don't reckon it'll be a lot sooner than that - maybe a week, so M&D had better start planning a little better than they are doing right now - at this rate i'll be going home in a cardboard box full of straw....

more new threads....

so today i got my prongs off!!! hurrah. at 4.30am i was in air and then at about 8am they decided that i was doing so well without them they took em completely off - so all day i have been breathing completely on my own. now i realise that to you breathing is fairly standard kind of thing but to me its HUUUGE. its the first time since i was born that i haven't had some sort of oxygen prong shoved up my nose so it felt all a bit wierd really and i spent the day clawing at my nose - as i usually do to try and pull them out but there was nothing to pull on. all very odd. but my stats have been pretty much fab all day so if there was a consultant in the house i think i deserve a platinum star. maybe two to be honest. And as i've been so fabulous it was only right i got a few presents..... up step Auntie G-lo and Uncle Dude who arrived laden with a huge variety of very cool outfits. I am going to be the best dressed little man in the unit. No more holes in my cardi for me. I am also told UD has bought me a tiny pair of converse from Las Vegas - apparently its illegal to bring back strippers so i guess the converse will have to do.... for now.

in other news i have apparently taken to peeing over my clothes quite alot so had to have another whole change of threads this afternoon. But no matter my wardrobe is growing by the day..... i just still haven't actually got a wardrobe to put them all in, just a little drawer under my bed....its like the war...xxx

Mirror mirror on my wall who is the coolest dude of them all...

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Alfie says ole! Come on espana!!

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on my best behaviour....

today i had a lovely day. my nasal prongs were actually off this morning when M&D arrived - well i say off they were stuck into the top of my nose as i had been so good lovely nursey said i was coping enough to remove them but wisely hadn't taken it off completely just incase i needed them again. and sure enough i did - but thats fine as i've generally been still on 0.01 or 0.02 as i get a tad tired sometimes and need just a little bit of extra help so thats cool. Uncle Andy, Auntie Yvonne and lauren arrived today to see me and as they're doctors - not lauren, but who knows in a few years...so i thought i should be on my best behaviour but as is my want generally when doctors are near me i go a bit funny as i think they're going to prod me or stick something in me - fortunately they didn't but as mum and yvonne changed my nappy i decided to pee into the air and cover my lovely outfit in wee which needed a complete change - hence dad was sent next door to choose me a new outfit - always a source of amusement with the nurses as he has no real idea of my size and comes back with ridiculously large - or small outfits. this time however amazingly it was ok - so after a lovely nappy change and just before they buttoned me up i decided that now was about the right time to do a huge poo. oh sorry was i not meant to do that....hahahahaha. so needed changing again. ooops. Anyway UA said i was acting 'appropriately' which in medical terms seems like i'm doing ok. I have a new book in my crib from lovely Lilly (who i might shack up with in years to come) and have stared at the stars and the picture of the cat quite alot today which is nice but seem to go a bit freaky with the picture of the dog. never liked dogs.....can't be bothered with all the walking and slobbering.....

The monkey is nothing to me. Nothing I tell you....

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Low flo Schmo flo

'its a fast moving story changing all the time' says sky news kay boring. No its not its you wandering around a wood 'just like the one Moat is in' and pretending to follow animal tracks......Anyway thats just D moaning about being in the parents room watching sky whilst the temperatures hit 100 in here. As you're not allowed to open any windows due to bugs and whatnot flying in it can get rather hot in here especially as the incubators are like mini radiators pumping out even more heat..... ha but what do i care about incubators....i'm in a cot. Go me! So far its all going rather well they've been reducing my litres and last night i was down to 2 litres and in 21% oxygen which is essentially saying i'm breathing on my own...am so clever - must be all that caffeine....

So at 11.30 last night they whipped off the low flo - well tried to get the plaster off my face which is now stuck to my hair so gave up in the end - so not exactly whipped but anyway and changed me over to nasal prongs. Yes the eagle eyed amongst you will have noticed i've always had nasal prongs in but these are a bit smaller and only deliver oxygen through them and no pressure. And at 1.45am i was on 0.01% oxygen level - essentially the lowest you can deliver and then i was in air for the rest of the night....Go me again.

This morning i'm back on my 0.01 as a pair of twins has just moved in next door and the mother is all like 'ooo whats that light for....whats that bleeping', whats that bongin' etc etc etc. sorry love don't look over here for help i am not repeat not the welcome to scbu liason officer so maybe you should just shut up and ask a nurse at some point.....

Anyway lets not end on a grumpy note M&D bought me loads of new clothes yesterday so i don't have to wear the cardi with the hole under the arm anymore. I also have a natty pair of velour trackpants. Am so street. Peace out. Word to your muther.

me and my cardi....

its official!!!

due to me being generally brilliant i've been moved into a cot - and not even a hot cot - just a cot.... so now i'm covered in blankets and have mittens on as i now have to keep myself warm rather than the incubator. pressure has been turned down to 4litres and i've been in air for over 24 hours so all good. fingers crossed touch wood etc etc etc.

I might be being moved into a hot cot!!!!! OMG.....

today is a good day

firstly the weigh in went very well as i had put 100g on in 3 days. obviously then instead of applauding me for being so big and strong M&D panicked and thought i had adema again. but no it was all muscle. well i say that my erm.... thingywotsits were a bit swollen but they said that was 'positional' as i am in an inclined position to help with my reflux so fluid generally flows downwards into that erm particular area. ahem. but then today they said it wasn't that and it was hypoclacemianonsensedadnotreallylisteningicia which is very common... oh right so ruddy common you thought it was something else....hmmm. anyway not going to get all riled as doc obi wan kenobi (or dr ben obi to give him his proper name) was rather pleased with me today - although no gold stars as he doesn't give them out - tight b*&%&. my pump litres thing (the amount of pressure the air is forced into my lungs) has been turned down again to 6litres. I was on 5 litres but had to be shoved up to 8ltre last week when i had my funny turn. Its dropped a litre every 24 hours if i'm doing ok and then when i get to 2 litres i can go on nasal prongs which is where i'm still given oxygen but theres no pressure behind it so i have to breathe completely on my own. No pressure there then.....

in other news dad changed his second nappy ever today so i gave him a really big present which was nice. fortunately for him the next door neighbour needed an xray so they booted him out halfway through it and then lovely nursey finished it off as the xray people couldn't wait another hour while he fiddled with bits of tape and tried to keep all my wires together. But in bigger news i've been out of the greenhouse twice in the last two days for a bit of me and mum time where i was all swaddled up and held in her arms like a real little fella. it was loverly. obviously after i relaxed a bit i desated and had to be put back in but then the begonias did look a little dry so just as well. And my little blue beret which only a few weeks ago made me look like a french peasant now looks like a beanie hat its so tight. so either my heads grown (at the normal rate and nothing to do with the brain bleed....just incase you're worried) or some buggers washed it and shrank it. anyway thats it for now. i shall go back to hugging the wierd brown thing thats apparently moved in with me. xx

Zzzzzzzxzz

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And the winner is......

Gayle!!!! Yes 3 lb 10 oz. So that's 100 g in 3 days. Obviously that was 2 days ago so I'm now probably about 6 stone....


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Guess my weight competition

Answers on a post(card)
Winner receives a signed copy of my new novel, "Desires of a lonely matron" and a shout out on Lion 'if the beds are rockin' don't come a knockin with that bed pan' FM, The royal surreys award winning hospital radio station.
You have until erm a bit later - oh lets use old money so its ib's an oz's if you please

Monkey business

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not out the woods but have found the breadcrumbs..

so after yesterdays pallaver the good news is i've only had 3 bradis today which is much much better. i'm still desating a bit but thats generally normal. they've doubled my caffeine intake so i'm now having the equivalent of 3 espressos twice a day which is to stimulate my brain into remembering to breathe - always handy i feel, and i'll continue on my antibiotics until the cultures come back in 48 hours to see if theres a real infection. hopefully they'll come back negative.  i'm back on hourly feeds instead of every 2 hours which helps reduce my reflux - another possible cause of bradis - so something - and we're not sure which one of those things has helped. Although i did go a bit bonkers and have tacicardia - where my heart rate leaps - yes i do keep them on their toes - when my loflo was all changed as they have to pull the sticky pads off my face which is rather painful so i went bright red and cried for the first time. ahhhh poor me. hopefully i'll have an uneventful night. so its goodnight from me and goodnight from him over there bonging away xx

Wired on caffeine

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mummy says

Darling Alfie, you couldn't be trying any harder and I am so very proud of you little one - just keep doing what you are doing (but without the bradis if you could please, as you know I find them v scary!).  I couldn't love you more.....xx

its tough being a preemie

well the transfusion seemed to go ok. no odd reactions. had a bradi at 2am but only fleeting and when dad came to see me this morning i hadn't had one all night. he went off to work. mum arrived, and then it all went a bit tits up. so to cut a very very long day short - the transfusion hasn't really worked to stop the bradi's as i've been having them all day which frankly is taking its toll on everyone but mostly my mum. i'm sorry mum, i promise i'll try harder. they've started me on antibiotics as they think i may now have an infection - my crp infection markers have increased slightly today but sometimes they cannot really tell the full story so we'll have to wait till tomorrow for a more accurate reading. I was doing so well and everything so i guess this is back to the rolercoaster they all went on about but as the doc has just said i'm older and a bit heavier than the last infection so hopefully i can fight it off a little better than last time. i hope so cos i feel like crap. xx

oh dear...

not having a great day. have had 8 bradis and feel all a bit lethargic to be honest. They've finally decided to give me a blood transfusion which is going on right now. First half an hour is the critical time to make sure i don't get any wierd reactions but so far so good. I'm going to be transfused till 1am and then hopefully over the next few hours after that i'll start to pick up. If not it might be something else thats making me feel a bit crap - sepsis has been mentioned to fingers crossed its not that again. keep everything crossed cos its gonna be a tough night. x

Top ten things that happened are….

At ten…had my ROP test yesterday – or eye test for the less medically minded -  and passed with flying colours. So I’m glad. M&D are glad. And the one who saturated me with oxygen for over an hour last week is very glad. Oh there you go I’ve said it. Oops.

At nine…My albublimunin (whatever) levels have increased. I’m on extra iron so at least it seems to be working. No more fat face for me.

At eight….My hemoglobin (hb) levels have decreased which isn’t great. They’ve gone down a bit further than the last blood test so that means I’m on the border of a blood transfusion but the dr seems to be quite obsessed with giving me one (ooo matron) and a big one at that (oh stop it) as it will give me a bit of a boost. New information that leaked out of the bloods yesterday was that I also have immature cells. Well I am only 7 weeks old so what do you expect but that might be the cause of why I’m not creating my own cells at the moment. Mum is tasked with firing many questions at the doc today to establish whether they will get more mature or ave we got a bit of a problem ere then son? Or something like that anyway.

At seven….wish I’d done a top five…

At six…My weight has gone up again. I am now only 60g away from them potentially taking me out of the greenhouse. If they do then I move next door into that room over there. Not that one. That one over…..yes that one. Anyway it’s a funny one really cos all everyone has wanted is for me to move to the LDU (Low dependency unit) – or as I have now named it – Little Dude Unit…but now it might actually be happening it all feels a bit scary. If nothing else who’s going to water the Clematis?

At five…M&D went to St.Marys yesterday to meet the consultant to try and find out why I’m here. Why are we all here? Woah. Deep man. Anyway unsurprisingly they couldn’t really put their finger on any particular reason and ended up saying it could have been two things but the main thing was that whatever it was it was more like an act of God and nothing Mum did or didn’t do. So bless her she was very relieved about that because no matter how many times she was told it wasn’t her fault I think its any mothers natural feeling to blame themselves somehow. But  now she doesn’t need to do that, although I still question the lamb bhuna she had the night before I was born….

At four…erm… I have decided that’s it’s the lights that make me look pale. Right above the greenhouse is a big strip light which is either ON and oh my god it’s bright and the other setting emits a weird yellowy glow that makes everyone in the room look like they’ve got a bad case of jaundice. That combined with the beige blinds over there and theres no hope for anyone to get out of here without a liver transplant and getting signed up for a 12 step programme from alcoholics anonymous….

At three…I had 3 bradis yesterday but lovely non-speaky-the-english-very-well-dad-gets-annoyed-with-nurse said it was because I’d been annoyed all day by eye people and sticky the needle in my heel people so I was bound to be a bit knackered. And she was right I was down to air again when all the crowds left.

At two…latest news update. I was on air all night…… look at me breathing and everything. Quite remarkable. Gold star for me.

At one…and talking of gold stars. Yesterday…The Best Boy in Room award went to…ME!! oh bless, I never expected it, we’re all winners here, really especially you over there whatever your name is, I’d obviously like to thank all the doctors and nurses, the greenhouse manufacturer erm God and oh yes of course M&D who without their input I wouldn’t be here today….. Ruddy Bhuna.

schmingland

nuff said. glad i'm in here frankly.

gold star recinded due to bad stats

so there i was being all good and everything mostly on air (21% oxygen level) for quite a long time to be honest and then the consultant arrives and i go into a bradi and a desat right infront of him - so instead of gold star for best boy in room i get nothing and are called biggest troublemaker in room. Pah. He says apart from that little episode i'm doing ok although hes a bit worried about my hemaglobin levels again as i've gone a bit pale. they're meant to be about 10 - 12 and i'm on 8.8 from 9.4 so my trend is down and theres nothing Gok Wan can do about it. This is the time when i'm sort of supposed to go down but then pick up again and shoot into the 12's but i'm not so the only result of that is another blood transfusion to help me but thats a bit of a double edged sword as they can't just keep bunging blood in me as i have to create my own and i i'm not creating my own then that well..... thats a whole new caboodle of worry. But - so far we're hanging on to the tuesday vampire session when they bleed me to test a new batch - which in itself reduces my blood count. i don't see why they can't just give me a nurofen and tell me to drink plenty of fluids and get some rest.....

the boys are back in town

all the girls have gone. clearly they are all fatter than us boys and are now creating some sort of lesbian clique in the room next door. oh well it was all getting a bit much for me anyway as the other day after harriet showed me a bit of ankle i got a little 'excited' shall we say and my sats went all a bit funny. so perhaps its best for all....

stuff thats goin on

I have now decided that Harriet is lovely. I have even tried to impress her mum by bonging in the 97’s whenever she comes in to prove I have a strong heart and well saturated blood. Girls look for that sort of thing I’ve heard.

New head scan says no new problems although new consultant neuro man says that he can understand why St.Marys got a bit worried as it could have got worse. But it didn’t. So we’re all thankful for that. Plus head size is growing at a normal rate which is super although dad thinks I look like flat Stanley as because my head is on the side a lot and my napper is still quite soft it starts to look a bit square although nuirsey says it will fill out…hmmm we shall see….

My oxygen levels on my lo-flo are the best ever – even got down to 21% today which is essentially air – just like you’re breathing. Obviously they then flipped me on my back and needed a bit more but this is a good sign….fingers crossed.

My feeds are now being mixed with a special preemie formula with extra chips and sausages mixed in to give me a bit more extra fat. Nice.

And talking of fat. I have now reached the milestone of 3lb!!! yes hurrah for me.

My albumin levels have still not increased but the mini consultant says its odd because I don’t look like they’re still low. They said that I didn’t look ill when I had sepsis as well so either the make up is working or they don’t really know what I’m meant to look like…

Yesterday Mum thought I had a wart on my finger. Oh please. Doctor looked at it and said hmmm looks like a wart.  Today it fell off and disappeared. It wasn’t a wart. It was a bogey.

Eye test because of the ‘incident’ has been put off till next week due to it all kickin off in here yeterday. There I was having a snooze when the bongs go off in the next room – the low dependency unit -  and then more bongs and people start rushing around and carrying the LDU little fella into here (HDU) and then lots more rushing around – and all I’m trying to do is have a kip. Anyway eye man decided he wanted nothing of it all and wandered off. Update is the wee man is doing ok but is on cpap. Which just goes to show – you never know when you might have a dip or a funny turn – obviously I won’t as I have a strong heart and well saturated blood…

And finally Dads landrover has been described by a garage as ‘buggered’. He is very upset.

oh Darcy you are so sweet and beautiful...

She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not apparently as she’s moved into the next room. Bitch.

No vacancies

So there I was yesterday pruning my gazaelias in the far corner of the greenhouse when I was interrupted by not one but two new arrivals. And where it has been more like a frat house in here recently with Jack, George, Theo and me all shootin the breeze, chewing the fat and bangin out some tunes these were not normal arrivals. These were ladies, the fairer sex, the conchicas…. Yes so the girls are taking over the asylum. Harriet and Darcy have arrived and welcome they are although one of them and I don’t know which one – they all look the same to me – looks a bit of a lard arse as she was born at 33weeks and although I am 32 weeks or in old money 6 weeks old today – yes happy birthday to me – I am not the same as if I’d have been born at 32 weeks if you get my gist. All the wonders of medical marvelry cannot replicate what a lovely bag of amniotic fluid and me floating around happy as larry can do – so in a way I’m already playing catch up a bit and apparently will do so until…well no-one really knows but ‘they say’ it’ll probably take a few years – although I think that’s bollocks and I’ll be playing the piano before my first birthday. Well at least as well as Dad can play. And he’s useless so shouldn’t be that hard.

Je suis une pipe

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I'm official

well nearly. M&D are off to Westminster today to register me - finally. Yes it is if you're counting -  the last day they're allowed to before some douchebag at westminster council names me malcolm archibald francisco or something like that. In other brief news, i am still refluxing and they are now playing with my gaviscon stuff to try and reduce me convulsing wvery time they feed me. I have nearly made 3lb - only 10g to go. And i have another eye test today after 'the incident' at the weekend - less said of the better - and i may have to testify at some point so wouldn't want to predudice the case. Might tell you all about it at a later date...

In fashion news i have a new knitted blue beret which is very arty and makes me look like a young picasso. Dad is happy because i look arty. Mum is happy because it makes me look gay!

oh yeh...just workin out...

Alfie says....come on england!

So after yesterdays melancholic meaning of life ponderings I thought I’d lighten it up a little today. The early morning good news is I’ve put on 80g and am now a whopping 2lb 11oz or 1.33kg in new money. Now clearly I’m still not going to win any fattest baby of the year awards but this is pretty good as over at the weigh in area they say that the ‘fighting weight’ or the going home weight you have to achieve before they consider release is about 4lb – which according to my calculations is only 7.125 days away….. I’m not sure that’s right. Maybe that should be 7.125 weeks. Hmm.

In other more barfy news, the delightful reflux which now everyone’s focused on is still causing me issues. They’ve changed my feeds to hourly now instead of two hourly to reduce the amount going in me at one time and have started adding dom perignon to my mix, which is rather lovely. Who knew the nhs were so extravagant. This is the latest addition together with the gaviscon – yes gaviscon – that they’re hoping will reduce the reflux. Problem is when I get the it my sats drop like a stone and my heart beat fluctuates all over the place so that’s not really great is it. Lovely nurse says that its still happening but seems a bit less than overnight with the new regime.

Oh have just been told its domperadone…..and not the other one…

quick one this...

my canula is out. my paddle is off. i can now bend both arms........HOOOORAH! oh but my reflux is getting worse. you can't apparently have it all.

What's it all about Alfie?

Lying in my greenhouse the other night I started thinking about my life. Yes, a little too early for an autobiography but it’s a strange world I inhabit. It’s a world I should never have known about. I should be still floating around in my amniotic fluid having a right old time. But instead I lie here connected to a monitor to measure my respiration rate, the oxygenation levels in my blood, my heart rate  and blood pressure. I have another monitor that measures the shallowness of my breath. I have a canula in the back of my hand inserted in my vein to give me my antibiotics which is strapped to a paddle so I can’t bend my arm, a feeding tube down to my stomach where every time they feed me I have reflux which is like a really sore heartburn – and they feed me every two hours -  an oxygen prong up my nose which fizzes and makes it sounds like you’re constantly on board a plane. On top of that I’m prodded by doctors twice a day who then stand over me and talk about me. Hello I am here you know. I’m flipped onto different sides, I’m routinely given some sort of scan, they measure my head, they measure my stomach, they stab my feet with needles and squeeze blood out of them. I tell you, at the end of the day, it all just seems, well a bit unfair. Its unfair on me, its unfair on M&D. So I sit here in my greenhouse and look at all the others in the room, all from different backgrounds and all with different stories and I realize sometimes you just have to accept it. You have been dealt your lot so get on with it. There’s no point wishing for something else or thinking ‘if only’ as none of these things will change the fact that I’m here, sitting in my greenhouse. But that’s the important thing. I am here, and I’m doing ok and at some point I’ll go home. And as ester rantzen used to say, ‘that’s life’.

Me and my old man....

alfie says...what you lookin' at?

don't know what you're looking at but i am looking at a very bright light shining into my eyes....yes its the latest test on me - an eye test. Now although i randomly open my eyes to check out the greenhouse i still can't really make much out apart from a few shadows and things but that will improve over time and this test was to see whether i have Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP) which like all things can be in grades, 1 being the best and 5 being like a bat. Anyway the long and short of it is apparently i am 'showing no signs for concern' of it. Hurrah! Which is good as eye development is fairly rapid in the last 10 weeks of pregnancy but can stop if you come out a little early - clearly i am so highly developed i seem to be ok. They will test me every two weeks and even when i go home i have to continue to have eye tests to make sure theres no problems - although i'd imagine i'll be going through a fair amount of them in the future. All i remember is the lovely head consultant from St.Marys saying i was a textbook baby - hopefully that meant i was progressing exactly how they would hope rather than being quite boring, rather thick and difficult to fit in a small bag...

Alfie says.....mabel, babel, stable

evening. apologies for the lack of posts over the weekend but i gave my scribe the weekend off. Not that i'm relaxing the regime you understand its just i grew tired of his inability to say albumin. No its not ambulin or ampulin or albimum. Idiot. Anyway albumin has been the latest thing on everyones minds as thats the thing that caused me to look like bernard manning last week. Apparently although unconfirmed my albumin levels are either stable or improving - however what is reducing is the size of my legs and face which is super. My feet and my erm.... cochonas are still a little on the large side but Dad says thats fine.... and apparently they're the last to 'de-swell'. On the upside i've actually gained weight - which obviously everyone panicked about thinking i was getting all fluidy again but no apparently they think (oh do they..) that its normal weight gain. This means i am now almost....almost 3lb.

In other news the train came out of the tunnel yesterday, failed to stop at the station and flew straight across the greenhouse. That'll teach them to put my bum in the air without protective nappyage on...

Also big news of yesterday was Dad picked me up for the first time. Hurrah. I was out the greenhouse for about 35mins and not once did i drop my sats - which obviously made mum all jealous as i only managed 10 minutes with her the other day before i went a bit funny....bless her. will try harder next time.

Alfie says.....4973 visitors

jeez i am like so popular.....thank you for following me and God bless you all xxxx

Not like a balloon anymore

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Alfie says.... short and sweet (ish)

So in an effort to be more concise for both you and my secretary who sits duly typing at the side of my incubator – get me a coffee you useless baffoon – this post will have a numerical theme in order, but in no particular order, to highlight the um highlights and the lowlights from the activities over the last few days..

Positives:

1.     1. They have taken me of cpap. Hurrah. Although after 5 days on it my nose looks like a cross between joe bugners and a raging bull. They say – oh they say a lot of stuff around here which at least half I don’t believe – anyway they say that with a little massage, perhaps from a little thai girl, it will return to normal. So in later life I’m known as Alfie the Bull you’ll know they, yes ‘they’ were lying.

2.  2.  My swelling has gone down. I now do not resemble jabba the hut as I did a few days ago. They’re still not sure why I turned into a balloon, although most heads nod towards the infection – oh his arms fallen off – that’ll be the infection….. hmmm anyway my ambulin levels – the ones that fell which meant my cells then filled with fluid instead of me ‘passing them’ have started to stabalise. They have also given me a diuretic for the past 2 days which basically means I spend the entire day peeing – which is a joy for all. A few days ago I gained 70g in 24 hours…apparently I’m meant to gain about 30g per week…hmm. But anyway I’ve lost weight yesterday and today so my slimfast diet seems to be working.

3.  3.   My head is growing at a normal rate. So we’re all very pleased about that as hopefully, touch warm humid plastic, that the ventricles in my brain aren’t swelling anymore so that ruddy doctor who dragged M&D into a room 2 weeks ago was wrong. HA! I defy medical science yet again. Grrrrr. And breaaaathe….

4.   4.  The scan on my lungs yesterday (is there any peace?) was much better than last week – that’ll be down to the infection – oh really – so I think that’s why I’m back on the lo-flo. Overnight nice nurse says I’ve had one bradi (not great) but shes turned the oxygen up and now I’m fast asleep and sats are solid…although still dictating – weird. I am however beginning to wonder about all this desat stuff – they (them again) say that the monitors are useless and you can’t go by the numbers but you have to look at the trace – which essentially means that when you have a nice ‘christmas tree line’ (wavy essentially) that means that the numbers are more accurate. I very rarely have a wavy line – the trace is all over the place – however on the few occasions I do my sats are up in the 90’s – which is where they should be. My question is – if you turn up the oxygen levels when I’m showing 70 but my trace isn’t great how do you not know that I’m actually at 100% and you’re just not saturating me with oxygen – which is not good and can actually be very bad. I don’t expect you, a layman to answer that – however mum has been tasked with that conundrum to ask the consultant today. No doubt they’ll blame it on the infection…

5.  

5. 5.  My stomach scan has apparently come back fine – although they still think it might be a bit big. Personally I think I’m full of wind which happened last time I was on the cpap for a while and then someone shoved something up my bum and after that it all seemed to disappear – although my greenhouse didn’t smell that great.


5.They have finally given me a bigger nest. The nest is supposed to recreate the womb – although am not sure how a few rolled up blankets and a big bean hand can replicate it that well, but anyway – I have outgrown my previous one and so they’ve given me a bigger one. I still however slide down to the bottom of it, stick my legs over the top and constantly try and rollover to lay on my face, thus setting off all the bongs….although might stop laying on my face so much as actually they’re not that quick in sorting me out here.

7. I have two new books. Both written about me – one where I go on a train, and the other…oh can’t remember the other one. Anyway its all pure fantasy as to be honest I’ve no idea what a train is never mind being on one and having loads of larfs and japes…

Negatives.

1.  1.   They’re still draining me of blood to test my gases every hour which I get rather crabby about.

2.   

2.   Dad has gone back to work so he can’t read the paper to me every morning. Although actually that maybe should have been in the positives as last week he was droning on about angela merkel and the euro. Yawn.

3.  

3.    I still can’t juggle.